livin' alone and lovin' it
by wendy marsh

“Life,” says artist and baby boomer Joan M,“is an opportunity for growth. I am choosing to stay in a space of joy and acceptance and appreciation of all that life offers.”

She’s had to learn a lot in recent years. Joan made the move to Asheville from Dallas, Texas in September 2002, after losing her husband of 30 years following a year-and-a-half bout with cancer. “My husband and I had a very special relationship, one that not everyone gets to experience. I cherish that time. I’ve been fortunate enough to feel that I have achieved all the goals I set for myself—everything from now on is a bonus,” she says.

Living alone is a new world for Joan, who had never lived alone before—even before birth. She has an identical twin, was married for thirty years, and lived communally for several years prior to marriage. For a woman who never even had her own bedroom for more than one or two weeks, this has been “an incredible change.”

True to her life philosophy, Joan is letting her spirit guide her; she reflects daily on where she is and what she wishes to focus on. With her large circle of friends and family, it is sometimes difficult to find time to be alone, but she loves the independence of her new single life. “I love living alone,” she enthuses, “every moment gets better and better.” But then, Joan has a ‘love affair’ with life. “I’ve loved every moment of my life—raising my children, my marriage, my work, the different places I’ve lived…but now is the best (of course I’ve said that about each period in my life),” she says. Not having to consult with another human being about anything, not having to think about how what she does affects others—all are a welcome change. “I’ve enjoyed each year more that the last; I have the freedom that hasn’t been possible since I was young. Now I can truly live my life according to where my spirit leads. I make time to work out, eat healthy, organic foods, play with my friends and family— basically, just have fun and learn and grow. I have a job in which I feel I’m providing a service; I am able at this point to articulate my ideas and philosophy; I can paint my vision; and I am finally able to just enjoy everything without qualification. Life is good.”

Even as she enjoys her independence, Joan is thinking about future needs. “Every group of people I am connected with talks about evolving some sort a group living situation as they get older—to help each other and create a supportive group environment instead of living in institutions,” she says. By living together, sharing the cost of hiring the cooking, nursing, and other supports needed, they feel it will be affordable to stay in a ‘home’ environment where they can enjoy life and each other. Joan thinks that’s what will happen in the future as more of the baby boomer generation get to the age of needing support. “We’ve changed things every step of the way and a lot of us have always chosen to look outside the box,” she says. Traditional solutions are not for Joan—she doesn’t even have health insurance. She likens insurance to ‘betting against yourself’ and says “I’m betting for myself.” She focuses on the now—stay in the present she believes; and tomorrow will take care of itself.

Joan has been a professional artist for 35 years, is involved with political and environmental causes that excite her, and says she will continue to deal with her life as it develops, without trying to force it into traditional structures. She will continue to “peel the onion a bit more; see myself more clearly – ‘it’s the only dance there is’.” We can’t wait to see what else she finds.

As Ruth E journeys through her ‘golden years’, she very much enjoys her role as a senior citizen. “The liberation I feel when I come to terms with exactly who I am is very fulfilling”, says Ruth.

Living in her family home, built in l935 by her stonemason father, Ruth surrounds herself with flower gardens, animals, friends and neighbors along with doing some part-time work outside the home. Preferring not to be obsessed with growing older and eventually finding it necessary to make other living arrangements, Ruth, with her typical good humor and twinkling brown eyes, confesses she has occasionally entertained the idea of locating a like-minded, trustworthy, caring, good-natured soul to share the environment she has always known and loved, including the “best medicine she knows –
laughter!” Hopefully, that phase of her life will be “down the road a piece”.

Ruth was married to a “dear man”, relatively late in life – “the happiest time of my life”, she says. Then, after being widowed she was faced with another unfamiliar road she must travel. Well-meaning people would say to her, “ now what you really need to do now is…………” They thought they knew her innermost thoughts, but only Ruth knew what was right for her. “They had their say, it helped them feel better – and then I heard my own drummer and I was soon moving on to a very different phase of my life”

Ruth makes it a point to keep her mind and body active – “there is no time for boredom. Of course, there are challenges along the way, but “they are like fingers and toes, everybody has them” .

Ruth’s favorite time is early morning when she retreats to a quiet spot to “get her head on straight’ and prepares for what will hopefully be a positive and productive day. “ It is important for me at the end of the day to feel I have accomplished something constructive (no matter how insignificant it may seem to others). I don’t like to reflect on a wasted day.

Ruth’s independent spirit permeates all her life. “I’m not a ‘monkey-see, monkey-do’ or ‘everybody’s doing it’ person; I pretty much hear my own drummer , anticipate what I need to and focus on the present – after all, now is all that any one of us is guaranteed . Run from the rocking chair, eat an apple everyday and make a special effort to laugh a lot”

That’s Ruth’s recipe for living well—alone or otherwise—at any age.
Two women, one a lifelong resident, the other a transplant —both facing life alone with enthusiasm, grace and wisdom; their newfound ‘freedom’ sounding a song of independence and encouragement for all women who may have grown to adulthood in a time when a woman alone was pitied and less valued by society.

For both of them, the new-found liberation of self-sufficiency and no responsibility for others has opened a world self-awareness and self-acceptance like they never knew before. Though their lives and experiences have been vastly different, their philosophies on living well are essentially the same message: as Ruth puts it, “run from the rocking chair,” because, as Joan says, “life is good!”


Wendy Marsh spent the majority of her early life (once she woke up and looked around) trying to escape from rural Western New York. The things she loves about Asheville include: great restaurants and coffee houses where she can drink dessert; the view of the mountains driving to work; the opportunity to meet and work with (and for) a truly tremendous group of people. She has been Director of the Council on Aging since January 2002.