| By Rochelle |
What does it mean to improvise in our living situation as we age? If we want to share our elder years with others, how do we define and create community for ourselves in a way that provides quality of life, dignity, and happiness?
“In and through community lies the salvation of the world.” ~ Scott Peck
Marianne Kilkenny, author of Your Quest for Home
Advocates around the world have worked tirelessly to promote community as the best place to live and age, rather than at home alone or in a nursing home. Boomers have experienced increased responsibility and challenges when it comes to caring for their aging loved ones. They know first-hand how frustrating and helpless this process can feel. By not wanting to re-live their parents’dexperience, the boomer generation is starting to explore alternatives: shared housing, cohousing, and converting or creating neighborhoods built with the needs of all, including older adults and retirees, in mind.
“One of the oldest human needs is having someone to wonder where you are when you don’t come home at night.” ~ Margaret Mead
An improvisational leader
One advocate of aging in community is Marianne Kilkenny, an Asheville resident since 2006 and founder of Women for Living in Community (abbreviated WLIC, online at www.womenforlivingincommunity.com), a grassroots organization that believes in the power of women as natural nurturers in building community. Marianne believes we can successfully change the way we age by living in community, especially in communities we define and create for ourselves and our particular needs. Marianne is also known as ‘The Grand Nudge’ for her straightforward approach and sense of urgency toward the need for new housing models now.
I met Marianne through my work with the ‘Blueprint of We,’ a tool and process that enhances communication and understanding to improve relationships. Marianne was familiar with the ‘Blueprint of We’ via a training she took in 2006, and had used it with her housemates in shared housing – one form of aging in community she promotes and educates people about through WLIC. In fact, Marianne has received media attention as the “Golden Girls lady”Gbecause her shared housing arrangement was similar to the well-known TV show, “The Golden Girls.”
Having lived in a “Golden Girls” shared housing model and worked with others to develop age-friendly communities, Marianne has learned much from her experiences and research. Her interests also include many other forms of community beyond shared living. If you’re interested, here are some lessons and tips to help you find your own form of improvisational community living.
The top 5 things that create controversy in community:
You’ll rarely find community without disagreement, but understanding and knowing the most common issues ahead of time can help you think through your opinions and options. According to Marianne, the five most common contentious issues within communities are: pets, noise, guests, cleanliness, and temperature. Marianne suggests dealing with these concerns ahead of time:
“It is very important to know why you want to live in community before you romanticize the idea and jump in. Discuss these five areas of concern with community residents before you move. Interview and discuss all of your pet peeves with potential housemates and honor your gut.”
Frequently asked questions about aging in community:
As founder of Women for Living in Community, Marianne is frequently asked about aging (and living) in community by media and news publications. She has taught many seminars on this topic and spoken at several conferences. The most frequently asked questions about living in community are:
How will the group hear my voice and concerns?
In other words, how do I share my opinion or issues without negative repercussions?
What happens if I don’t like this place or the people?
And what happens if they don’t like me?
How can I get out of this if I need to?
In other words, what is my backup plan?
Marianne sees that many of these questions are based on fears and concerns… all of which are legitimate. The best way to deal with fear is to get information and the best information to start with is by defining YOUR needs first!
How to define your needs:
Most people start by researching a location or thinking about physical community attributes: Does my community have a garden, private space, or creative arts center? According to Marianne, you’ll benefit most by defining your people needs and must haves first:
“Before you choose your location, you should define what community means to you. Ask yourself what kind of people you like to be around and what kind you don’t. You should be honest about your needs, what is a priority, and what is not. You should also be honest about what you must have versus what you only wish to have, and if the people around you should share similar values.”
After years of searching and defining her ideal community, Marianne created a guidebook to help other seekers answer these questions and help allay their fears. Your Quest for Home: A Guidebook to Finding the Ideal Community For Your Later Years (online at WLICbook.com) is an easy way to define how and with whom you want to live out your later years via worksheets, step-by-step guidance, and resources. Once you have identified your needs, it then makes sense to research types of communities and locations that fit.
The missing element in improvisational living:
Everyday you hear about another new senior housing development opening or being planned. I talked to Marianne about what might be missing from these new developments and aging in community options like shared housing, co-housing, and age-friendly community models. Marianne said:
“Most of these communities will have some form of agreed upon community governance. Even traditional neighborhoods like condos and community associations have guidelines that everyone in the association has agreed upon. Usually, these deal mostly with the physical aspects of the community. However, when we consider living in community, guidelines need to focus upon interpersonal community aspects over the physical in order to be healthy, vibrant, and successful.”
Marianne believes the following interpersonal aspects must exist to create a high-functioning, empowered environment that supports aging in community:
• People: Community members who live together in mutual support, act with purpose and kindness, and share a vision of an Elder-rich neighborhood.
• Personal Tools: The community should agree on a social architecture that promotes healthy communication, collaboration, trust, and mutual support.
This combination of the right people and personal tools are best poised to create and support a thriving community. Marianne is developing a governance structure that embodies these elements, in addition to the important physical elements of a community that supports aging. She calls it “Bettyz Playz” after her inspirational mother, Betty.
The community of the future: improvised.
I asked Marianne: If you could create the ideal community for your later years, what would it look like? Marianne said her ideal community would embody the following characteristics:
• Include people of all ages, especially elders;
• Uphold a lifestyle that is ecologically, economically, and socially sustainable;
• Enhance wellness of the mind, body, and spirit;
• Provide access to the home and community;
• Encourage interdependence and reliance on one another, within the community and in the greater society;
• Support opportunities at every age for civic and social engagement, lifelong education, and creative expression.
In a world of continual change and increased access to information, we’re well positioned to improvise how we live and take control of how we want to flourish in our elder years. Shared housing, cohousing, and elder-focused communities are all part of an increased focus on how elders can live their best lives. Marianne’s unique experience and work in this field poise her to bring “Bettyz Playz,” a model that focuses on interpersonal tools, into the existing, rich conversation about aging in community.
Resources
If you’re new to this topic, here are great resources to start your journey:
www.WomenforLivinginCommunity.com
Women For Living in Community brings together women to create communities for growing older with grace and dignity. WLIC also connects with professionals to provide the necessary resources for living in community and works to inform and educate the public.
Your Quest for Home: A Guidebook to Find the Ideal Community for Your Later Years by Marianne Kilkenny is a step-by-step, easy to follow guide to define your community via your needs and by identifying the people, place, and personal tools you need to get there. Order at WLICbook.com.
Asheville Meetup: Intentional Communities of Asheville
This Meetup is to help members define the various ways we wish to live in community, share information on available resources, explore existing projects and opportunities in our area, meet and learn from those who have experienced creating and living in community, and support groups of people as they begin to form their individual projects.
www.BluePrintofWe.com
‘The Blueprint of We’ is a tool that enhances communication and understanding: whether you’re working or living with someone, you can create a ‘Blueprint of We’ to start your relationship from a place of understanding and respect.
Other Books:
Baker, Beth. With a Little Help from Our Friends: Creating Community As We Grow Older. Vanderbilt University Press. April 2014.
Blanchard, Janice. Aging in Community Revised Edition. Chapel Hill: Second Journey Press, 2013.
Pluhar, Annamarie. Sharing Housing: A Guidebook for Finding and Keeping Good Housemates. Peterborough NH: Bauhan Publishing, 2011.
Shaffer, Carolyn and Kristin Anundsen. Creating Community Anywhere, Finding Support and Connection in a Fragmented World. New York: Tarcher/Putnam, 1994.
On planet Earth since the late 1980s, Rochelle hails from the great state of Ohio and resides now in Asheville. She learned about the Blueprint of We while living in a NC intentional learning community in 2013. After experiencing, understanding, and sharing herself via a ‘Blueprint,’ she became a Certified Blueprint of We Facilitator in 2015. Rochelle works as the ‘Nudge In Training’ to help Marianne Kilkenny take her dream community from Dreaming to Doing. They also use the Blueprint of We for a harmonious working relationship! Contact her at [email protected].
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