| By Tina FireWolf |
Middle fingers cocked at full attention — arms beating the sky — I bellowed like a hound on a hunt … “F_ _ _ YOU! I HATE MY LIFE!”There, take that! I had no idea who I was talking to, but “they” were going to pay for the fact that I hated my life. After all, I didn’t make these choices now did I?
Yes, I said the F-word. And yes, I said it to the sky. The realm of “God” and “Mystery.” I have a working relationship with that which I can’t name or define, and if you are willing to open Pandora’s box, I bet you each have your own version of pointing fingers at the sky. I am a firm believer that full expression is healthy – as long as it does not directly hurt another. I am pretty sure the Universe can handle my blasphemy; actually, I bet I give “it” a good laugh!
I knew I had to make changes in my life, but they all were highly uncomfortable. So complaining would have to suffice.
My mind was making my life an insane merry-go-round. So I rode it up and down, around and around, (ad nauseum), as I had no clue how to get off this ride. At some point, I had started to make choices based on fear. I was grasping for a sense of security and belonging rather than following the wisdom from the Heart.
I had backed myself into a corner. In the quest to obtain that false sense of security “The American Dream” touts, I had successfully overcomplicated my life. My mind was dug in, and I was set on going down with the ship.
Like a bat without sonar, somewhere in my early 30’s I spun off course. I had lost my connection to the voice of my Heart and was living a life I didn’t recognize. I felt disconnected and alone; 20,000 leagues under the sea. Worse than that, I was a walking hornets nest of negative thoughts and emotions. After all, I hated my life—and in my infinite rational wisdom it was everyone else’s fault.
I had bought into the collective: When was I going to get married? When was I going to get a “real” job? (which I have discovered is code for … You too should be as miserable as I am!) My personal perennial favorite, “When are you going to have a baby, buy a house, dog, cat and box it all up neatly in a fence?” Sigh. Up until this point, my life was flow. It was pure love in motion, and I did nothing but effortlessly follow my Heart … even if it infuriated everyone else.
Instead, I settled for the status quo. I was stressed beyond measure, and rhythmically sick. I was in the bonds of a marriage that felt like my brother had moved in, and my career had become a simply-solved Rubic’s cube.
I was napping on a snuggly rainy day when I heard a booming calm voice — like they were charged to state a grand fact, “WAKE UP OR YOU WILL GET CANCER.” What? Who said that? Like a jack in the box I sprung up in bed as the words started to register. Shaking my head in groggy disbelief, I laid back down, took one deep breath, and again I heard, “WAKE UP OR YOU WILL GET CANCER.” Perched on my elbows, my eyes wildly scanned the room.
Dread washed through me, as I knew in my Heart that the voice was telling me the truth. I had been ignoring the calling of my Heart for the past 10 years. It was high time I have faith in its wisdom, and faith again that something bigger would actually assist me in changing course. My contrived life needed to be untwined.
I began to take stock of the last 10 years, analyzing the choices and patterns that had disconnected me from my faith.
What was faith anyway? I had heard the word over the years, and in probably a sermon or two when dragged by my family to church on holidays, but being an experiential learner I needed to know it viscerally. Anything else would fail to compare. Some people read various religious texts to cultivate faith in their lives. I was taught to trust in myself, my mind, and that I could figure it all out and lead my life. I was raised by a society that said, “Oh yeah, prove it!” Probably one reason I chose to study Biology — I wanted to dissect life to its core. Little did I know the only thing I would be dissecting was myself!
Within seconds of my new commitment to unwind my life, unseen magical forces presented themselves. I was going to be guided and protected by the realm of the unexplainable as I made my rather messy way home to my Core Self — My Heart.
I wanted to trust —to have faith. I wanted to believe that there was some greater force—a Universal Force, A Quantum Force, God, Creator, The Void … I don’t care what you call it, just something infinite that actually was on my side. What do I now have faith in? I have faith that within me there is wisdom greater than my ego/mind. That within me, there is a compass that is set on a direct course to Love if only I can trust and have faith in allowing it to lead my life. I have faith that there is a mystery in this world that unfolds exactly as I need it … exactly when I need it. That’s it… I don’t go much further down that rabbit hole.
To me, faith is the ultimate trust. To trust in something you can’t see nor measure, feel or smell. For me I have dual faith—both that I am my own Guru, and that there is “something” at work in the Universe that has my best interest in mind. This is my faith.
The mystery of our universe is like a scent of a desert flower. Like sensing dew hanging in the air waiting to touch down on the blades of grass at twilight. You have to slow down on every level imaginable to sense it in the air, but it is there … waiting … patiently waiting, for each and every one of our minds to bow down to the wisdom of the Heart… and let it lead.
Tina FireWolf is a Facilitator of Remembering, combining her feral farm girl upbringing, and experiential background in Science & Leadership with her rockin’ multi-dimensional healing abilities. Tina is Igniting the World to elevate & navigate their human experience and stop their spiritual spin. She shares the HOW of Self Leadership & Personal Healing by facilitating the “Remembering” – Empowering us to sing our Souls free and lead Everyday Enlightened Lives. Purchase her Contemplative Photography Book Beneath the Chatter: the wise self awaits or her CD Medicine Within – Vocalizations to Free Your Soul at TinaFireWolf.com or connect for a free consultation call.