Funny, Isn’t It?

 

By: Jeanne Charters

Well, the silly season is seriously upon us now; a.k.a., the political primaries. By the time you read this, we’ll know who the Republican nominee is. Right now, I have no clue, but it looks like Romney (unless Newt’s newly acquired born-again status brings down angels to fly him to the top).

 

Last week, I received an e-mail from a friend who is in every way sweet, kind, and intelligent. I was urged to forward said e-mail to every person I know because it was critical that every citizen in the great U.S. of A. reads it.

 

The e-mail was about a column written by a guy named Wayne Allyn Root, a regular contributor to Fox News who cites Glenn Beck as a reliable friend and source. Mr. Root claims that, back when he and President Obama were classmates at Columbia, it was a well known fact that Barack Hussein Obama was a known Muslim dedicated to the overthrow of the U.S. economy.

 

At the bottom of the page was a huge SNOPES ATTRIBUTED line. That got my attention.

 

I’m used to getting ridiculous political e-mails from folks that, when checked on Snopes, turn out to be urban legends or downright lies.

 

Checking Snopes, I learned that the huge disclaimer line in 18 point font meant simply that, yes, Mr. Root had written the article. It also stated that Mr. Root had never met Mr. Obama while at Columbia and actually knew no one who had.

 

I immediately hit “reply all” and sent this information to all who had received my friend’s e-mail. She was not pleased but will, I’m sure, forgive me in time.

 

Anyway, it occurs to me that Republicans are so very good at this sort of thing, and Democrats are left eating dust because they just can’t figure out how to be quite so duplicitous.
So, here’s what I think.

 

There’s no point in writing scurrilous lies about Newt Gingrich. There’s enough true stuff to keep him out of the White House. (Please God, let that be true!) Besides, no one with Calista’s hair could possibly be First Lady.

 

So, I’m going to write an article that Mitt Romney, according to unnamed sources within the Mormon Church community, was conceived and reared with one specific goal in mind—to spread polygamy as acceptable behavior across the great U.S. of A. The purpose of this practice was to make all the white males happy and keep the little ladies in their appropriate place—the kitchen—not the Cabinet! Funny, isn’t it, but something just occurred to me. I have never seen a whiter male than Mitt Romney. Nor a happier one, considering the grin that never leaves his face. Must be all that fun firing he used to get to do. Nothing like buying up companies and then destroying their employees’ lives to cheer one up.

 

Okay, so Mitt has only one wife, but that’s part of the whole plot, you see. If he had actually practiced polygamy himself, he would be suspect. As it is, he’s Christian, white, and faithful. And Pro-Life and anti-Gay Marriage… at least this week.

 

Now, I have absolutely nothing against the Mormon Church. I’d even like to see “The Book of Mormon” on Broadway if I can ever afford a ticket. I don’t even have anything against Mitt. He seems like a perfectly nice mannequin.

 

But that is not the point. Democrats must become as single minded as their Republican brethren in their quest to win, at any cost. I don’t know why everybody seems to play fair on the Donkey side of the fence when the Elephants are eating them for lunch with lies and innuendo.

 

Now, I’m sure I’ll get emails telling me of the dirty tricks played in the past by Democratic candidates. I will welcome them. I need some macho memories of my party. Or, better yet, perhaps this year, President Obama will unleash his cojones and finally stop trying to build consensus with folks who clearly have one objective in mind—his demise.

 

You know and I know that if Obama sponsored a bill giving zillionaires zero taxes, this Congress would vote against it. Some habits are too hard to break.

 

So, please—if you start getting e-mails like the one described above, check them out on Snopes or better yet, politifact.com, and learn the truth. Then, hit “Reply All.” Otherwise, ignorance may just get us all fried in Afghan oil.

 

Jeanne Charters, a transplant from New York, is a writer living in Asheville with her husband, Matt Restivo. Her collection of columns, “Funny, isn’t it?” is available at Malaprops, Mountain Made in the Grove Arcade, or at jeannecharters.com.

 

She has written three novels and has acquired an agent for her young adult novel, “Shanty Gold.” Jeanne is working on edits, per that agent, and hopes to have a publisher this year. She can be reached at jcharters@bellsouth.net.

 


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