Raising OUR VOICE:
The Most Important Issue
We're Not Talking About
by jane b. carter

(Note: Names marked with an asterisk (*) have been changed)

Jen* and Daniel* had a relationship others envied. Daniel doted on his girlfriend; "He was totally sweet and wonderful," says Jen. Daniel complimented Jen frequently, and they had long talks that lasted for hours at a time. One night they were hanging out with friends in Jen's college dorm room; Daniel had brought alcohol, and he gradually plied Jen's best friend Ashley* with drinks until she passed out. He pulled Jen into an empty dorm room, pushed her onto the bed, and forced her to have sex with him. The next day, as Jen was grappling with shock and disbelief at what had happened, Daniel said to her, "I just want you to know, that what I did to you was rape. I brought the alcohol on purpose, I got Ashley drunk on purpose, so nobody will know. They'll never believe you. But if you tell anyone, I'll kill you. I had a girl try to tell on me once before, and she ended up in the hospital."

Mary* was fifteen years old when her grandfather cornered her in the kitchen, pushed her against a wall, and grabbed her breasts. Her grandfather was a trusted member of the community, a church leader, and a former public official—"He was the ultimate authority figure." He only stopped groping her when her father walked in. Mary's father never confronted her grandfather, but he asked Mary, "Why did you let him do that?"

We have a serious problem.

On an average day in North Carolina, 100 women are victims of rape or attempted rape. Every two minutes, somewhere in America, someone is sexually assaulted. It has been estimated that one out of every six victims is younger than 12. Sheer numbers are sometimes hard to grasp—but behind every number is a real story, a real person, a real face and name—and real pain. As one OUR VOICE (formerly Rape Crisis Center) volunteer stated, "I used to dismiss the statistics as exaggerated—but when I stopped and thought about it, I counted at least six close friends and even family members who had been assaulted or abused—even one of my guy friends. I even remembered several close calls in my own life. I guess I just didn't want to think about it—but it really does happen."

How many people do you know that have been sexually violated? Probably more than you realize. Sexual violence is more prevalent than anyone wants to acknowledge or can even fathom. The effects on a victim's life can be devastating. It is not a pleasant subject to talk about; in fact, it is utterly depressing. But to not talk about sexual violence is to deny victims' reality. By not devoting time and energy to the issue, we deny its existence. There are a lot of people who are in a lot of pain, and do not know who they can turn to. There are a lot of perpetrators, who, knowing that rape and sexual abuse are "unmentionables" in our society, continue to inflict pain on others unchecked. There is a community of caring individuals who are available and ready to help—and need you to help, too.

Just Get Over It"

Sexual violence has far-reaching aftereffects, not only for individuals, but for entire families and communities. Jen recalls, "I felt worthless. I withdrew. I didn't eat, sleep, or go to class." She later attempted suicide. "I thought, 'He can't hurt me anymore.'"

Nearly one third of all rape & sexual abuse victims will develop Rape-Related Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). PTSD symptoms include a) recurrent memories & dreams of the event, b) intense psychological and/or physiological reactions, c) avoidance of feelings, activities, or people, and d) other features such as sleeping problems, anger outbursts, concentration problems, hyper-vigilance, and feelings of hopelessness, fear, and powerlessness. For years after being molested and later raped, Mary struggled with binge eating, obsessions, flashbacks, drugs, and dysfunctional relationships. "I went to a lot of therapists to deal with a lot of issues, but no one ever connected my problems to what had happened." Many people feel like they are out of control or "going crazy," but as Dr. Judith Herman points out in Trauma and Recovery, "the traumatic syndromes are normal human responses to extreme circumstances." Often victims are unaware of the link between current problems and past sexual trauma. Many do not even grasp that what they experienced was trauma, especially in a culture that downplays the gravity of the situation.

Almost, if not equally, as devastating as the sexual trauma itself is its effect on survivors' relationships. Many survivors face a society that is invalidating, if not downright hostile, to victims of sexual violence. Mary: "So many people discount what they've heard: 'It's no big deal,' 'Why did you wait until now to talk about it?,' 'Are you sure that really happened?', and the worst yet, 'It's time to get over it. Put it behind you.'" Changes in a survivor's behavior and outlook reverberate in their personal relationships; they cannot relate in the same way as before the trauma. Friends and family members often react to news of rape and abuse with the sense of shame, discomfort, and disbelief that pervades the community at large. When Jen told her parents about the rape, her mother said "You were so naïve. How did you let this happen?" Her father later asked, "Did you lie about being raped because you didn't want someone to know you had sex?" Parents may demand secrecy, dismayed that they may not be seen as "the perfect family." Friends may indirectly blame the victim with comments such as "What were you wearing?" or "you shouldn't have been drinking."

The tendency to blame the victim, whether by others or by the victim herself, may reflect a desire for some sense of control in the face of chaotic evil. "To imagine that one could have done better may be more tolerable than to face the reality of utter helplessness." Mary explained, "The best thing that…OUR VOICE did for me was help me to believe myself. For years…I would rather believe I was making this all up and lying about it than admit that not only had the people who were supposed to protect me abused me, but that they had put the blame on me." She surmises one reason for society's antagonism towards survivors: "I think a lot of time it is there because they're survivors themselves, and they don't want to admit it—or they're not ready to admit it."

Can We Talk?

Sexual violence is a painful subject. It is not a popular conversation topic. One reason people avoid discussing this important topic is that they are not aware of an important truth: rape, sexual abuse and other forms of sexual violation are not about sex, they are about power and control. For someone who thinks rape is about sex, they will not talk about it any more than they would discuss intimate details of their sex life with a casual acquaintance. But if rape is about power and control, it should be as important to talk about as if the next door neighbor had been severely beaten and robbed. It is a serious issue that hits close to home.

Perpetrators do not violate to satisfy sexual drives so much as to satisfy power drives. Most are married or in romantic relationships. They do not perpetrate because they are "sexually deprived." They derive specific pleasure from overpowering another human being in the most humiliating, damaging manner possible. Interpreting rape primarily as a sexual issue indirectly implies a sense of mutuality, which victims often take to heart (even when intellectually they know that they did not consent). One reason Mary did not connect her problems with having been molested and raped is that she thought she was at fault: "I thought I was a bad girl. I thought I was a slut." Interpreting sexual violation primarily as a power issue reflects (accurately) that it is about one person wielding power over another. Jen stated, "It's unbelievable that someone can hurt you so badly and not feel guilt or remorse—like a conquest."

The shame and secrecy surrounding sexual violence ultimately create a concert of silence. Silence allows rape to continue unchecked. In 1999, only 28% of rapes and sexual assaults were reported to law enforcement officials—fewer than one in every three. Of sexually abused children in grades five through twelve, 48% of the boys and 29% of the girls had told no one about the abuse—not even a friend or sibling. It is absolutely vital that we talk about sexual violence to avoid complicity in its continuation.

Men are from Mars, Perpetrators are from Hell

How can we protect ourselves from being sexually violated? There are many practical steps women can take to avoid stranger rape, including avoiding dark streets and knowing basic self-defense skills. (for more tips, see http://rainn.org/whatshould.html). In preventing sexual violence, though, one of the most important statistics to know is that 86% of all sexual violence is perpetrated by someone who is known to the victim. Thus, even more dangerous than the dark stranger in the alley is the person we may already know, who has access to our lives, and who may have already earned our trust.

How do we protect against people we know without becoming jaded, paranoid, or mistrustful? In general, rapists typically look for two characteristics in their victims: accessibility and vulnerability. Because all of us are at some point accessible and vulnerable, we are all potential victims. However, there are steps to take and warning signals to heed which may prevent acquaintance rape. Rather than just carrying mace, women can equip themselves with the tool of "emotional prevention." Many rapes are premeditated & perpetrators are repeat offenders. According to a study by the Bureau of Justice Statistics, 51.5% of rapists released on probation are rearrested for another crime within three years. About 1 in 13 are rearrested for a new rape. They know what they're doing and they target vulnerable people who they do not think will tell on them or be listened to. After arresting a man who had assaulted several teenagers, a detective commented on the man's method of targeting girls "he knew who he could manipulate."

One of the best steps a woman can take to protect herself (and have healthier relationships in general) is to work on her personal boundaries and clear communication. The most powerful tools for achieving these goals are intuition and assertiveness.

Intuition: A Built-in Warning System

Gut feelings can sometimes clue us in on what our rational mind may easily dismiss. One OUR VOICE volunteer relayed the following incident: "I was at a party, talking to a really good-looking, interesting, smooth—probably too smooth—guy. He came on to me later when we were alone, and I was really attracted to him, but something was weird—he was too pushy. I was pretty curt with him, even though I'm usually so nice to everyone. I felt really guilty and stupid after I left, because I had been "rude" and maybe missed out on this cute guy. But later I found out he assaulted another girl after I left, and that he already had a bad reputation. They used to call him 'Chester the Molester'—like it was a big joke."

In the must-read book, The Gift of Fear, author Gavin de Becker writes that "no gut feeling is too unsubstantiated (in fact, …every intuition is firmly substantiated)." Dr. de Becker asserts that while our "thoughtful" Western culture prefers logic and rationalism to intuition, our "gut feelings" are by far our most powerful (and undervalued) tool. When one of Jen's friends saw Daniel targeting a 14-year old girl at a party using the same pattern he had used with Jen (getting his young date's friend drunk, moving in on his target), he immediately called Jen. With Jen on the phone, he called the 14-year-old over and warned her about Daniel.. "I'm on the phone with a girl that Daniel raped," he said, "You need to get away from him now. Go home." The girl admitted to feeling uneasy: "I felt like something just wasn't right." She took heed, and went home from the party. Daniel was furious. "I was going to get some!" he hissed at Jen's friend. Had she not been warned, this young girl may have continued to ignore her intuition, with potentially disastrous consequences. For a list of behaviors to watch out for in potential perpetrators, see Appendix A.

"Dr. No."

"No" is one of the most valuable words in the English language. Used specifically, "No" sets clear limits (or boundaries) on behaviors that infringe on safety, comfort, and personal rights. In a more general sense, the having ability to say "No" establishes an attitude of confidence which not only makes individuals less likely to be targets of violence, but also brings a sense of self-esteem and assertiveness which create healthier personal relationships overall. Ironically, it is in developing healthy limits ("no" and boundaries) that we are able to safely interact with, and thus feel closer to, others. Conversely, if we have no boundaries, we are not able to discern danger signals and know who is "safe"-everyone becomes a potential perpetrator. According to one victim of violence who successfully strengthened her sense of intuition and gained confidence in her personal boundaries, "the weird thing is, with all this information I'm actually less afraid walking around than I was before it happened—but there must be an easier way people could learn."

Often perpetrators will target individuals they sense are more likely to doubt their own sense of boundaries and intuition, individuals they think will be scared to say "no". One outcome is that women who have been previously violated (for instance, through sexual abuse) are re-traumatized later. For someone whose personal boundaries have been violated, those boundaries (and sense of when they are being crossed) are not able to develop properly. Mary maintains that because of her childhood sexual abuse, "I never got the message that it was okay to have my own body and have boundaries where nobody could come into them." Reflecting on being raped later in life, she states, "It's so unfair that…I wasn't prepared to take care of myself. I didn't know I had the right—this man is raping me—[and] it passes through my mind to kick him in the groin, but I don't—I'm afraid I'll hurt him. I was protecting everyone but not protecting myself."

You are allowed to say no. Even when it is uncomfortable, even when it seems rude, even when you've been taught that "good girls" do not. Even when others will think you are a fool. If you feel uncomfortable thinking about having to be assertive, set boundaries, or make a scene to avoid being violated, get help now. Assertiveness training, counseling, and self-defense classes can be great confidence-builders.

Even when a perpetrator ignores "No" and violates anyway, the word still brings a vital gift: it defines what has happened as sexual violation. When the survivor is able to give a name and a definition to what has happened, she has a tool for the healing process. One survivor states: "No matter what anybody else calls it, me being able to call it rape really freed me and allowed me to look at it and heal. Others didn't define that for me. Being able to label it was healing."

Societal tendencies to cast doubts on the victim's story hinder the healing process by blurring the definition of what happened. Giving a label to sexual violation that validates that what happened (without blaming the victim) empowers the survivor to begin the grieving, and thus healing, process. A note: even when the word "No" has not technically been spoken, any time a person is forced to do something sexual against her will, it is sexual violation and not her fault.

If you know someone who has been sexually violated (and you do)
Believe them. Jen states, "Believing someone…is the most important thing you can do for someone." Listen. Validate that it was not their fault. Jen describes the first time someone actually listened and believed her: "She said, 'Bless your heart. I can't imagine what you're going through. I'm sorry.' That's all I needed. She hugged me and said 'It's not your fault.' She got angry [at Daniel] too. She was right there with me. That was the best hour of my life. It was the first time I was happy since the incident. Even my friends said, 'There's something different about you.' I felt like 1000 pounds were lifted off me." Mary asks those who have someone disclose violation to them to "Listen. Don't make any remarks back, except acknowledgment of what you've heard. Don't give advice; unless you are a qualified professional, just give your support. So many people discount what they've heard—'It's no big deal', 'why did you wait until now', 'are you sure that really happened?', or the worst yet, 'just put that behind you'. Excuse me?!" Jen: "Don't say, 'I understand.' No, you don't! Say, 'I'm sorry. I'm here if you need to talk.' Don't ever tell someone it was their fault. Or to 'get over it'. We don't grow horns or scales-don't treat us like we have a disease!"

Create a culture of acceptance and open communication among your family and friends. Talk about sexual violation--do not make it a taboo topic. Just knowing that they can share freely with others (even just one other person) helps survivors know they talk about their experience and avoid shame. Lack of secrecy and shame also prevents sexual violation, because perpetrators know they will not be acting behind a curtain of silence. If you do not think you could bear to talk about sexual violation with a friend or family member if they told you it had happened to them, get help and learn how immediately. Do this for your loved ones, and do it for yourself, so that you have relationships where you could safely disclose if you were violated.

If you are a survivor

Mary summed up the most important thing survivors of sexual violation need to know: "It's not your fault. No matter what you did, wore, said, if you were drunk or sober…if you said no and didn't want it, it's not your fault." Sometimes it is scarier to admit that one has been violated than to pretend like something so awful did not happen, was a misunderstanding, was one's own fault, etc. But sexual violation does not happen because of one's own mistakes; sexual violation happens only because there is a perpetrator present.

You won't just "get over it". Jen's message to survivors: "You need to tell someone. It's an emotional, physical, psychological hurt—every part of your being, what makes you human, is hurt. And you can't just fix that in one day."

You are not alone. Alice Sebold, Author of The Lovely Bones, stated in an interview that "The experience of violence, particularly a tabooed violence like a rape…is one of the most alienating experiences that I think you can have." Jen stated that connecting with other survivors in an OUR VOICE group "was the best thing that happened to me…You know there's someone else out there, that's human and normal and it happened to them. You're not the only one. I'd heard the statistics that there were many others out there, but I needed to know it was real."

There is quality help available. Mary discusses her experience with counseling at OUR VOICE: "Kelly (an Our Voice Counselor) is the best thing that's happened to me, as far as recovery…I don't believe I'd be alive if it weren't for OUR VOICE. One night in particular, if they hadn't been there to talk to me, I may have hurt myself….It's just a shame that it took me so many years to find it." OUR VOICE is a nonprofit organization that welcomes all survivors of sexual violation-for all types of sexual violation, whether recent or years ago, no matter what race, age, gender, or socioeconomic level. (See Appendix B for a list of OUR VOICE services).

Simple Community Action Steps
(Yes, you really can make a difference!)

"Though it touches us all and belongs to us all, and though we all have something profound to contribute to the solution, we have left this [to others]." The good news: there are simple things you can do, and not only can they make a difference, but they can grow hope in the process. Jen stated that taking action with other group members gave her a sense of empowerment. "I've realized that I have some activist in me."

Rape, even statutory rape, and other forms of sexual violence are rarely prosecuted in Western North Carolina.

Write letters to politicians, particularly on the local level. Rape, even statutory rape, and other forms of sexual violence are rarely prosecuted in Western North Carolina.

Write State legislators, the District Attorney's office, City Council, etc. to a) pressure for consistent prosecution and b) request more funding for sexual violence issues. A true story for people who do not think letters make a difference: When a North Carolina State House representative was approached by the Mental Health Association about legislation concerning a mental health issue, the representative said, "I have been swamped about this issue." He had only received three letters! He went on to explain that "One letter makes it an issue. After two letters it's a trend, and after three letters, well that's a tidal wave." Your letters will make a difference! For information on how to contact legislators, see http://www.ourvoicenc.org/Dif.htm, and see Appendix C, "Helpful Tips for Writing Legislators."

Donate money to OUR VOICE. Recent budget cuts at both the State and County level have meant that funding for the vital services OUR VOICE provides has been greatly reduced. Send a check to OUR VOICE, PO Box 7453, Asheville, NC 28802.

Hold a potluck dinner and ask everyone to bring $25 for OUR VOICE. Save the money you would have spent on a month's worth of $3 Mocha Lattes and donate it to healing other women. Use your imagination to think of other ways to help.

Donate your time. OUR VOICE has many opportunities to volunteer. Not only is volunteering rewarding, but it gives you the chance to be part of a community of dynamic, compassionate people. "Working with OUR VOICE has been an amazing experience. It is the most important thing I do-caring about people who I don't even know, but who need my help. It's incredible to see that I'm having a healing effect on people, just by showing up," says one volunteer. Volunteer training is held twice per year. Call 828-252-0562 for more information.

Donate supplies and services. Help OUR VOICE provide quality services by donating office equipment, gift certificates for fundraising raffles, food for gatherings, quality furniture, clothes for survivors, etc. One local masseuse has provided free chair massages for therapy group members.

Write letters to the editor of media sources, particularly in response to articles or advertisements which directly or indirectly promote acceptance of sexual violence.

Print out copies of the Men's Pledge to End Sexual Violence (See Appendix D) and have as many men sign it as possible. Send the copies to OUR VOICE (they are trying to collect 1000 signatures).

Talk to your teens, clergy, students, family, etc. about sexual violence. Above all, be someone that people can tell their stories to. The greatest gift you can give is to listen and believe.

 

Appendix A:
Some behaviors that acquaintance rapists might exhibit:

-Acts bored.

-Talks continuously about his date's body or looks at her in a way that makes her uncomfortable; calls the woman names that make her uncomfortable.

-Seems to enjoy her discomfort

-Touches the woman in intimate places "by accident".

-Does not listen to what the person says; responds to limits set by the victim with statements such as, "You don't mean that, you really love it."

-Does not stop sexual foreplay when told to or asked to stop.

-Blocks the woman's path or follows her as a means of intimidation.

-Becomes hostile when the woman does not agree or give him his way.

Also watch out for men who:

· do not listen to you, ignore what you say, don't take 'No' for an answer.

· ignore your personal boundaries

· express anger or aggression towards women in general, talk down about women in general

· do what they want regardless of what you want. If a man does this in little ways, then he may also be likely to make the decision about whether you are ready to have sex with him

· try to make you feel guilty if you resist their sexual advances

· act excessively jealous or possessive

· drink heavily. A "mean drunk" can often get sexually aggressive, angry, or violent if he is rejected.

· doesn't view you as an equal

· enjoys weapons and likes being cruel to animals, children, or people he can bully.

· is physically violent even in subtle ways, such as grabbing or pushing.

· resolves conflict with intimidation, bullying, and violence

· is verbally abusive

· he breaks or strikes things in anger

· minimizes incidents of abuse

from Rape, A Violation of the Soul by Jeannette Santino, MS

http://www.staybalanced.com/Rape.htm

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Appendix B:

OUR VOICE (ourvoicenc.org) provides the following services

· all of our services are provided at no cost

· 24 hour crisis line

· 16 sessions of free counseling with a licensed therapist

· case management

· support groups

· accompaniment to medical services law enforcement interviews and court proceedings

· information and referrals

· community education programs focusing on awareness and prevention for all age groups

· in-service training for professionals

· conference speakers

· consultant services

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Appendix C:

North Carolina Representatives:

Marge Carpenter (Madison & others) - margec@ncleg.net

Mark Crawford (Buncombe) -
markc@ncleg.net

Phillip Haire (Madison & others) - philliph@ncleg.net
Martin Nesbitt (Buncombe) - martinn@ncleg.net
Wilma Sherrill (Buncombe) - twilmas@ncleg.net
Trudi Walend (South Buncombe & others) - trudiw@ncleg.net
North Carolina Senators:
Robert Carpenter (South Buncombe & others) - robertc@ncleg.net
Charles Carter (Buncombe, Madison & others) - charlesc@ncleg.net
Steve Metcalf (Buncombe, Madison & others) - stevem@ncleg.net
North Carolina Governor:
Mike Easley - www.governor.state.nc.us (visit web site)

United States President:
George W. Bush - president@whitehouse.gov

United States Representatives:
Charles Taylor - www.house.gov/charlestaylor/ (visit web site)

United States Senators:

John Edwards
www.senate.gov/~edwards/contact.html (visit web site)

Jesse Helms
jesse_helms@helms.senate.gov

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Helpful tips for writing legislators.

• Make sure a return address is contained within the letter. Remember, typed letters are easier to read than handwritten letters.

• Send your letter via traditional mail or via e-mail.

• Be sure to identify the town/city and county in which you live.

• State what is being asked of the legislator/governor and request a response.

• Be brief and to the point. Try to make the letter no longer than one typewritten page. Send only the original letter, not a copy. Personalize your letter to strengthen your points.

• Be factual and support positions with information.

• Remain courteous; do not threaten or cajole. Simply explain the local impact the legislation would have.

Men's Pledge to End Sexual Violence

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Informative and Healing Websites

Our Voice
ourvoicenc.org

Rape Abuse and Incest National Network
rainn.org

www.hopeforhealing.com

Men Can Stop Rape
mencanstoprape.org

Speaking Out About Rape
soar99.org

www.teddybearsnuggles.org (for incest survivors).

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Jane B. Carter, M.Ed. NCC is a psychotherapist and consultant in private practice, specializing in helping adolescents and adults navigate the many pressures and messages facing them today. She can be reached at 828-215-8971.

This article is sponsored by the Mental Health Association in Buncombe County, promoting advocacy, education, and awareness of mental health issues. 828-285-0732, mha-nc.org