back
to school
by lisa horak
Two
years ago, with my heart cleaved in two, I wrote in this magazine
about my eldest daughter Molly heading off to kindergarten. This year,
my youngest daughter Isabel will make that great leap, and once again
I’m not ready for it. In a way though, thanks to Molly’s
experience, I know that I will survive Isabel’s transition from
preschool to “big kid school,” as she calls it.
But an even more daunting transition lies ahead for us, as I too will
also begin attending a big, scary, new school this fall. And I’m
as nervous as Isabel at the prospect of not knowing a soul, having
lots of homework, and (unlike her) running a busy household complete
with carpool duties, being a Brownie leader, cooking dinner, and all
the rest.
I’m going back to get a teaching license so that I may eventually
teach elementary school. It has not been an easy decision to add “full-time
student” to my current status as full-time mom. Quite the contrary.
I have agonized about this next stage since the day I stopped working
nearly eight years ago, when Molly was born.
Apart from all that fruitless worrying, I have relished this time
at home. These preschool years have been priceless—the field
trips to the pumpkin patch and the apple orchard, the story times
at the library, early morning playdates, and having a little helper
with me at the grocery store begging for a cookie.
But with Isabel in elementary school, I will be on my own for most
of each day. I will miss her companionship. I think that part of why
I’m drawn to teaching is that as my own kids grow up and move
on, I can remain surrounded by young children. I love their innocence
and inherent sweetness, their gentle nature and pure desire to simply
play and be loved. And besides, this way, I’m guaranteed an
annual field trip to the pumpkin patch.
I am, of course, apprehensive about all of this change. I haven’t
been a student in more than 15 years, when computers, let alone laptops,
were a rare sight on campus. Now everything from research to registration
is done on-line. I will be surrounded by classmates who are half my
age. For most of them, attending class will be their only full-time
responsibility. I will be well outside my comfort zone. I only hope
and pray that I have compassionate teachers and peers, for when my
kids are sick or their school closes early for snow, I will be absent
as well, since my family will always come first. I hope the teachers
understand.
It’s funny how things work out. Teaching is not the career I
envisioned as an undergraduate. I studied political science at Duke
University and thought I would change the world by working for worthy
non-profit organizations. That was all well and good until my kids
came along, and then I chose to change the world one little person
at a time. I wish one of my Women’s Studies teachers had cautioned
me to consider this stage of my life when deciding my initial career
path. Right out of school I never thought ahead to what would be a
family-friendly job. Now all I want is to be with my kids in the evenings,
weekends, and summers.
Lest you think I only feel dread, I must admit that I am looking forward
getting some cool school supplies. Again, I’m just like my kids.
Isabel was dreading kindergarten until we got her Crayola markers,
box of 24 crayons, and other essentials. I recently discovered a new
variety of blue ballpoint Bic pens, and I think I may treat myself
to a ten-pack, just to get geared up and in the mood for my return
to academia. I mean, if you don’t feel good about the pen, how
can you feel good about the notes you’re taking?
It’s going to be quite a juggling act but one that I hope will
put me on a path that is truly right for me. I doubt I’ll have
much time for writing once classes begin. So for now, I will say farewell
as I cross the threshold into the next stage of my life.
Lisa Horak lives
in south Asheville with her husband and two daughters, Molly and Isabel.
In her spare time she hikes, makes beaded silverware, knits, volunteers
in classrooms, leads a Brownie troop, and dreams of writing children’s
books.