by jeanne charters
reader: If you are easily offended, you might want to skip this column
because I plan to deal with the very serious and somewhat salacious
subject of... erectile dysfunction.
noticed a television commercial for a certain product that begins
with “L”. I’m already real tired of seeing products
advertised that do nothing but urge every hypochondriac in the viewing
audience to run to the phone to call their doctor. There are pills
for sleeping, waking up, losing weight, gaining weight, calming down,
revving up, feeling focused, feeling happy, fixing your stomach, fixing
your head, fixing your esophagus and fixing your intestines. I wonder
what our foremothers might think if they could see this stuff advertised
every day. I can almost hear them now. Here’s what I think mine
For God’s sake, Jeanne, get a life and stop taking so damned
many pills for ailments that never seemed to exist until television
Well, anyway, back to the product that begins with “L”.
It’s for E.D. otherwise known as erectile dysfunction. The TV
spot shows a mighty happy woman sensuously wrapping herself around
anything that stands still (I wouldn’t let her near my dog Poncho,
that’s for sure) while the music plays and a voice in the background
speaks subtly of the joys of fulfillment. That’s all quite lovely
until they get into the disclaimer information which is spoken at
the speed of light and reinforced with a font size that no one of
an age to suffer erectile dysfunction could possibly read.
tivo-ing it six times and putting my ear horn directly on the TV,
I finally figured out what they’re telling us. “If an
erection lasts for more than four hours, medical help should be obtained
hours? Frankly, I’ve never heard of such a phenomenon in all
the years since I first encountered men in any kind of physical sense.
And believe you me, that’s been a few years.
decided in the interests of science to do a survey of some of the
women I know to get their take on this problem related to the male
member. Here’s what they said: The last names are withheld to
protect the not-so-innocent.
Myrtle Mae: Four Hours!! Well, one time Herman got his whatsis caught
in his zipper and you’d a thought the world was ending, I tell
you! That’s the most memorable thang I ever remember him doing
with it. Four hours?…nah!
Delilah Sue: You gotta be kidding me. If he makes it for three minutes,
that’s a world’s record as far as I can recall. Maybe
you can tell me where I might meet one of those four-hour wonders.
unt Martha: If he ever tried to get at me for four hours, I’d
just have to kill him, that’s all. Reasonable is reasonable,
after all. Four hours is just plain silly!
Round-heeled Ruby: Well, I haven’t met any of ‘em that
last four hours; but if I do, I’ll probably hog tie him to my
bed and not let him get away. Medical attention? I don’t think
so. Why ruin a good thing?
Nell: I just hate those dang-fool companies who invented all that
stuff. Now, Grandpa thinks he’s a spring chicken again and just
keeps trying to chase me around the house drooling like a fool. He’s
disgusting, he is. I have tried hiding that prescription he got, but
he keeps finding it and calling me his little minx. He thinks I’m
being playful with him when I take out my butcher knife and threaten
to cut it off, but I’m getting mighty close to serious. I’m
planning to call that doctor who gave him that stuff and give him
a piece of my mind!
comes my personal disclaimer:
I realize that a man may feel that the aging process is unfair to
him, fearing that he will no longer be called “stud” unless
his partner is very, very kind. If that’s the case, have at
it, brother, carefully, of course. Safe sex is a necessity, even for
will admit that this is not a problem I live with, so perhaps I just
don’t understand and might be urging him to visit his local
doctor or Internet provider for help if it were. But I don’t
think so. I’m old fashioned enough to believe that nature should
take its course wherever possible. Sure, I take pills as needed to
stay healthy; but I guess the question is when does the pill and its
side effects become too scary to warrant taking a chance? Four hours
is my answer!
isn’t it, though that our very own home-grown female politico
has a husband who was the original poster boy for a similar product?
I’ll give them this…he was really funny in the TV spot…nearly
made me wish I had voted for him, and she certainly does smile a lot.
is a former V.P. of Marketing for Viacom Television. She started her
own award-winning broadcast advertising agency in 1990. Jeanne lives
in Fairview with her husband, Matt Restivo. [ firstname.lastname@example.org;