the token male
by stewart cubley

When asked to write an article as the ‘token male’ for Western North Carolina Woman, a publication by and for women, I had to admit I don’t know exactly what “token male” means.

It’s a position I’ve taken from time to time, and it’s always felt somewhat uncomfortable. It’s as if I’m a representative of some species that’s not present or is extinct. No males were willing to show up, so I’m just a stand-in holding the vacant spot. And a “token” at that—a counterfeit dressed up to look like the real thing.

Not trying to disappoint you, but I don’t feel in any way like a “token male”. And I’m not here by default. I’m writing this article not as some showpiece of absence, but as someone who stands in his space and says that to be a man is not a vacuum at all – that in fact it’s full to the brim.

I make my living teaching the art of creative expression. It’s true most of my students are women, and perhaps that’s why I can venture with some candor into this dangerous landscape. I appreciate the depth and power of the feminine. Women have a natural connection to the deep-rooted emotional realities of relationship, and it’s this sensitive, intuitive intelligence that’s so glaringly absent from the insane posturing and childish position-taking we see nightly on the news. It’s clear to me emotional vulnerability and openness to feeling in all its aspects must become a priority for both men and women if we are to survive on this planet at all. As men, we have much to learn from women in this respect, and we diminish ourselves if we don’t recognize this.

Once when Suzuki Roshi was asked if he watched his students to make sure they were following the Zen precepts, he answered, “No, I just watch to see how you’re being with each other.”

Are we aware at all of how we’re being with each other? To watch the unfolding events taking place on the world stage it seems as if this is no longer of importance. What matters is whose side you’re on.

Walking out of a San Francisco restaurant recently, I looked up to see a shiny new billboard. At first glance, it appeared to be an advertisement for joining the Navy. Two massive aircraft carriers plowed their way through an empty ocean, impressive and dominating. Underneath was the bold caption, “Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Those Who Threaten Us.”

Yikes! What ever happened to “the pursuit of happiness”? Pursuing those who threaten us is not a future I find very appealing. Is this dinosaur-age worldview a legacy we want to leave behind as our best response to the challenges of our time?

In a workshop recently, I was struck by how difficult it is for us as men to approach a blank canvas. To be open and undefended in the face of the unknown makes us squirm. It’s as if the emptiness of the white void reflects back to us our own inner emptinessthe most dreaded of realities. To be empty is equated with being nothing, or even worse, with being a loser and a failure.

So, faced with that threatening emptiness and what feelings might arise in it, we come up with a plan. No matter if it’s contrived from the start and totally out of touch with any emotional realityat least we have the security of a direction. No matter that it’s over-fabricated to the point of ridiculousness and bores us to death – what counts is that we know where we’re going. And if it denies the subtle nuances of creative relationship, of being present to the moment and listening to what may be new and unexpectedto hell with it, we have our goal. And by the way, don’t ever bring my plan into question–that’s off limits for discussion. There’s no problem with failure either, because if my plan doesn’t pan out there’s always the old standby–when things don’t work out, bomb the sucker.

Are we as men so identified with the fantasy of the media male that we’ve become stupid? It doesn’t take much more than turning on the TV or opening the newspaper to see we’ve reverted to some scared reptilian mind that assumes our tacit approval of a world view that’s primitive, brutish and fear-based.

Has our true potency as males become co-opted by the image of the impressive career, the ample bank account, the banner wife and the polished look of success? Or conversely, by the self-defeating stories of inadequacy and failure? We seem to have settled for a diminished vital force defined by some identity frozen in time instead of a potency that’s alive and renewing itself through continually risking ourselves.

If we’re honest, we see that our bravado is nothing more than a silly, and often tragic, attempt to mask our own vulnerability. Yet this is exactly where our power lies: our real power is in the unpredictable nature of being open and undefended, of daring to admit we ultimately don’t know, by dropping below the self-protective reflexes of violence and isolation.

Recently a man attended one of my painting workshops with his sweetheart, only to have her decide in the middle of the week to leave him. She informed him the relationship was over and she moved to another room. He was left high and dry with nothing but his pain and his outrage – and an enormous impulse to bolt. To his credit he stood his ground in this situation where he felt humiliated and exposed.

He appreciated the moment for the precious opportunity it was, and he continued to paint through the chaos of his own feelings. He realized his true power was in his ability to be present and not react. By the end of the workshop, he had found a tremendous freedom. By not running, defending, or striking back, he realized his well-being was broader and deeper than the situation–no matter where the chips fell.

Only a man who feels “token” in his own depths resorts to being a bully. It’s an impotent male (or nation) that reflexively responds with violence when threatened. Only a frightened and insecure ego needs to compensate with theories, reasons, justifications and accumulation of power objects. “When challenged – isolate” is a fear-driven philosophy that destroys our potential for real communion and community. Perhaps for the first time in history these regressive attitudes have the potential to destroy the earth and all life as we know it. How much longer can we afford to be token males?

Stewart Cubley is founder of The Institute for Art & Living, aka The Painting Experience. His work has carried him throughout the world to work with groups in a process of inner exploration using the tool of expressive painting to access the potential within the human heart and imagination. For more than two decades he has taught his unique approach to literally thousands of people at growth centers such as Esalen and Omega Institutes, multinational corporations, programs in prisons and countless other public forums. He is co-author of Life, Paint & Passion, Reclaiming the Magic of Spontaneous Expression, Tarcher/Putnam 1996. Stewart Cubley (and Annie Danberg) will again be coming to the Asheville area to lead a five-day intensive in process painting May 23-28 2004. This residential retreat will be held at the beautiful Kanuga Center near Hendersonville.
[ See processarts.com for details. ]