he told me on our fourth date
by betsy ross

It was a summery starry night on the Blue Ridge Parkway. We had just had a picnic dinner at Craggy Gardens and watched the sun set with a dramatic backdrop of clouds. We had lain on our picnic blanket snuggling and kissing ... in that tentative way that young lovers do when they’re first getting to know each other.

We’d been out just three times before but already there was a strong connection between us. In fact, I had called my girlfriends after our second date, the first time he kissed me, and told them “I think this is the one!” They squealed and giggled and said “How can you possibly know?” but I knew it in that intuitive way. There are no words to describe it but it’s a cellular connection that guides you to pay attention closely and to follow your heart.

After the picnic dinner, we were driving back to town and had pulled off at one of the scenic views to sit and gaze at the stars and the full moon. Of course there was a little more smooching involved. I recall saying to him something to the effect of “I really like you” and he responded in kind. Then he said “Well, there are a lot of grey areas when it comes to liking me”.

“There’s something I need to tell you about myself before we go any farther. I don’t know how to say it so I’ll just come out with it. I’m a crossdresser.”

The words were so foreign to my ears, I didn’t really understand what he was saying.
“You’re a crossdresser,” I repeated. “ So what does that mean?”

“Well, it means that I enjoy wearing women’s clothes.”

Oh.

Hmmm.

So I asked him some questions: “Why do you do it? When do you do it? So you’re not gay? So you don’t want to be a woman?” I barraged him for 30 minutes with questions before I finally didn’t have anything else to say and neither did he. The reality of the situation was that I needed time to let this new information sink in and I needed to process it. He, in turn, waited with anticipation to find out what my final reaction would be as he had told this to countless women before me who couldn’t accept this aspect of his personality.

He lost his first marriage over it because he was still closeted to himself. When his wife came home early one day, she caught him wearing a skirt, hose and high heels. She flipped out as any woman who’s been supposedly happily married for years would do. They had a painful divorce and he entered years of therapy to become the confident, strong, wonderful man he is today.

The first step for him was removing the layers of guilt and shame and accepting that this is a part of who he is and isn’t something that can be changed, fixed or ignored. Expressing himself by wearing women’s clothes is his road to freedom, fulfillment and feeling as though he’s a whole, complete person.
After his divorce, he dated many women. Very few accepted his crossdressing. Most didn’t. He never showed his femme self to anyone. He wanted someone to love him for who he was, not in spite of who he was.

And then I came along.

After I learned about his crossdressing, I did a lot of soul searching. I asked myself and my friends a lot of questions. What does it mean to be in love? What is important to me? What is the difference between sex and gender? What does it mean when we talk about having masculine and feminine parts of our personalities? I did a lot of thinking, a lot of feeling, a lot of crying and a lot of learning. I never really questioned whether or not he was the one for me since I knew that from the start. I have often questioned, however, why me?

I do think we were brought together for a number of reasons. One of which is to educate people about what crossdressing is and what it isn’t. It’s not weird or freakish or evil. It’s fun and playful and human nature. Women wear masculine clothes all the time now and no one bats an eye. But did you know that 50 years ago, women in the US were often turned away from restaurants and other establishments if they were wearing pants because it wasn’t “proper"?

We’ve told a lot of our friends and for the most part, they don’t really care. I mean, they care and they ask questions and they’re curious. But does it change their love for us or diminish our friendships in any way? So far it hasn’t. We are blessed to have open-minded friends and the more we share our secret, the more we find people share their secrets with us. The fact is, we all have secrets, and we all have checkered pasts in some form or fashion. The more we stop separating ourselves from each other and thinking we’re “different” and the more we start to share honestly and openly without judgment, the more compassionate and understanding our world will be.

What’s so fascinating to me is that I was raised in a very conservative, Republican, Yankee household. That I would grow up to be a somewhat liberal, Democrat married to a Southern crossdresser who says “yes, ma’am” is still a bit of a shock to even me.

But I love this man. He is smart and funny and kind. He’s a hard worker, he’s loyal and he values his family. He’s a typical guy who loves to drink beer, admire women and tell off-color jokes. He’s a great dresser (in men’s clothes!), extremely handsome and he changes the oil in my car regularly. And he has a softer side to him. He thrills at the sight of himself in a short skirt, sheer pantyhose and 4’ heels. (He has better legs than me so I don’t blame him!) When he’s crossdressed he loves to clean the house, do laundry, wash dishes and cook. But he also fixes toilets and replaces exhaust fans dressed that way as well. Although I lovingly chuckle at that sight, it’s times like these that I realize we are complex beings and celebrating all of our strengths and unique traits is what being in love is all about.

Crossdressing is hard to understand. Although I’ve now committed to spend my life with this man and to have children with him, I still don’t understand it, completely. I’m not sure I have to. He doesn’t totally get me either. I have read books, joined on-line support groups and attended conferences to learn as much as I can about the community of crossdressers. I feel like it’s easier to understand about being gay or about being transsexual (changing from one sex to another) but crossdressing is still a bit of a mystery to me. And that’s OK.

A little grey in life is good. It keeps me on my toes, gets me out of my own box, stimulates creativity and open-mindedness and more. And heck, if he’s gonna cook and clean for us, I say bring on the heels!

 

*Betsy Ross (not her real name) and her husband live in Asheville. They are both professionals and very involved in the community. [ [email protected] ]