women and men
by stuart zitin

Over many years my perspective has shifted a bit. I remember back in the late 60’s and early 70’s when liberation movements were afoot, and some of us progressives had great hopes for the influence the women’s movement might have on politics and society. Needless to say, sexism among men working alongside women in the social activism of that time was rampant, despite efforts of women and some enlightened men. Much like the liberals who had high expectations of the a new socialist state in Israel in the late 40’s, I felt that the ascendancy of women might bring about much-needed social change—at the very least a more compassionate, more people-centered polity, and certainly more equality for women and minorities. As with Israel, I, for one, have been sorely disappointed by dashed hopes in the progressive vein. Not that women have actually come into power here, but certainly there are many more high-ranking female corporate directors and political stars than there were 30 years ago.

In retrospect, it was naïve to imagine that a simple change like women rising to power would actually cause a major shift in the tone and tenor of our sorry nation. First of all, those women who have been able to rise have done so at great cost—competing in and conforming to a man’s world means giving up a lot. Many of those who have succeeded have taken on some unsavory male attributes: becoming harder, less relational, less available to friends and family, etc. Although I do recognize some of the so-called male and female characteristics as acculturated, there definitely do seem to be concrete differences between the two.

I remember, like so many of us “cultural revolutionaries,” when Maureen and I were getting ready to have children, thinking that all gender differences were learned. How wrong we were! Although we presented open-ended, non-gender-based toys to both Rachel, and later Ari, she gravitated toward dolls, dress-up, and fantasy play, while he was interested in trucks, heavy construction equipment, and games and puzzles. Certainly our attitudes and biases leaked out and influenced our children (and still do…) but they each came out who they are: one girl and one boy. Despite any and all arguments about nature and nurture, our two children evidenced their internal hard wiring at an early age. Only as they got older and more sophisticated did they begin to balance on the gender scale. Rachel wears dresses only rarely, likes to pump iron, and still, loves to primp and shop with her girlfriends (“It’s fun!”), whereas Ari is a sensitive and gentle little man, into fencing and fantasy novels, and he still likes swivel track hoes and building projects. He also enjoys working out at the gym.

Having both a girl and a boy has given me years of observation, self-awareness, and speculation about gender issues. I know that I probably don’t understand men any more than I understand women, but I empathize with both. Perhaps my spayed, five-year-old Husky/Shepherd Luna is an apt metaphor for where I’m at with this. She is sweet as can be, has not an aggressive streak in her (except when it comes to hunting wild critters), yet she constantly marks territory on the trail, lifting her leg like a male. She is at once loving and remote. She has taught this life-long dog-person, who thought he really understood the domestic dog, after reading prodigiously about them throughout my years, that he knows nothing about dogs. Luna, like my wife, my 19 year-old daughter, and my 14 year-old son, all remain an enigma to me. Maybe I understand myself, but sometimes I’m not too sure about that either!

Delving briefly into the intellectual, quantifiable realm, many studies have confirmed that girls and boys learn better in single-gender classrooms. In addition to fewer distractions, there are also more opportunities for authentic study, without stereotypical expectations and cultural norms. The girls don’t have to “play dumb,” and the boys don’t have to posture and compete for female attention. So how can we maintain separate identities, while remaining understanding and caring with one another? Why is this mating game so dominant in the lives of women and men?

Brighter, more knowledgeable folks than I have attempted to answer those questions, and I believe it is still a mystery. (Why does Luna choose to interact with some dogs and ignore others?) Certainly personality plays a part in all of this. We are all different, and we all experience reality differently. The stereotypes of men thinking with the little head, and women seeking a suitable mate with whom to procreate, thus continuing the species, are gross oversimplifications.

Maybe we might do better by determining our connection to one another, rather than focusing on what keeps us apart. We love our children, want security and comfort, and we desire connection -- relationship with each other, and often with a higher power. We can learn from one another: men are seeking deeper friendships, more meaning, and women are negotiating more power and control over their lives (while still receiving about three-quarters of the pay). (Don’t even get me started on South Dakota!) Certainly things are changing, sometimes rather slowly and subtly, and folks are paying more attention to what really matters. Of course, this is different for each of us, but as we enter this shifting, unstable period of expansion and increased communication worldwide, we are questioning more, seeking purpose, struggling to maintain, guarding our hopes, and encouraging our dreams. There is a collective apprehension about what’s next.

Meantime, I am frustrated by the stereotypes that continually bombard us. Sexist portrayals of weak, dependent, shallow women abound in the media, and in the lives of women and men? Brighter, more knowledgeable folks than I have attempted to answer those questions, and I believe it is still a mystery. (Why does Luna choose to interact with some dogs and ignore others?) Certainly personality plays a part in all of this. We are all different, and we all experience reality differently. The stereotypes of men thinking with the little head, and women seeking a suitable mate with whom to procreate, thus continuing the species, are gross oversimplifications.

Maybe we might do better by determining our connection to one another, rather than focusing on what keeps us apart. We love our children, want security and comfort, and we desire connection —relationship with each other, and often with a higher power. We can learn from one another: men are seeking deeper friendships, more meaning, and women are negotiating more power and control over their lives (while still receiving about three-quarters of the pay—don’t even get me started on South Dakota!) Certainly things are changing, sometimes rather slowly and subtly, and folks are paying more attention to what really matters. Of course, this is different for each of us, but as we enter this shifting, unstable period of expansion and increased communication worldwide, we are questioning more, seeking purpose, struggling to maintain, guarding our hopes, and encouraging our dreams. There is a collective apprehension about what’s next.

Meantime, I am frustrated by the stereotypes that continually bombard us. Sexist portrayals of weak, dependent, shallow women abound in the media, and unfortunately many of us have bought into and/or have internalized these noxious messages. Male-bashing is almost as prevalent: he is stupid, insensitive, violent, and, yes, shallow. (Wow, some commonality there… Maybe we can all wallow in shallow.)

In addition to the obvious pointing out of differences, how might diversity training remedy this overwhelming discrimination? I am convinced that the deepest, most sustaining way to address these issues is for men and women to take on more character traits traditionally associated with the other. This does not mean a drift toward more androgyny, but rather a nurturing of already existing, multi-faceted pieces of our personalities. In our families we can model crossing over those oppressive traditional boundaries. Men recognize and express their feelings; women take charge, managing wisely and with balance. We all benefit.

Our children learn by watching us—our actions and our attitudes. We cannot simply express our views to them, and expect them to conform. They are surrounded by way too many negative messages. It is our job to model the values we embody, as well as to counter the ones that abound in our culture, that are antithetical to our own. (See the wonderful magazine ADBUSTERS for inspiration!)

We cannot isolate ourselves effectively from mass culture, nor can we shelter our progeny from such exposure, but we can point out the inconsistencies, highlight the contradictions, and explain our own beliefs, so that our kids know where we stand. We can continually look within, checking our attitudes, our unstated messages, our lifestyles, so that the next generation has the opportunity to do the same, with historical underpinnings and some self-awareness. We can only hope and pray that we may yet present a more progressive, more balanced culture of deep caring and greater connection with each other and all living things.

Stuart Zitin is a husband, father, and son, as well as a dog guardian, who walks in the woods every day, thus remaining relatively sane. He is a licensed general contractor, interested in affordable, green housing, and lives in Asheville.
[ stuartzitin@charter.net ]