women have two hearts
by shannon south

I recognized this fact when I was a little girl. My uncle touched me on my vagina at age eight. This abuse and unsolicited attention continued until age eighteen.
I craved attention from a man because my dad was actively addicted to alcohol and was emotionally unavailable throughout my childhood. I was a sitting duck for my uncle’s dysfunction. So…both of my heart(s) became involved with my uncle. As confusing as it was, with the sexual attention, arousal, and the heartfelt connection I had with him, it seemed better than the emotional “desert” I had been living in prior to his attention….

Well, maybe not….

The sexual violations added a whole host of problems to my platter. Not only did I confuse sharing my body with “intimacy”, but also I thought it was my DUTY to do this for men, especially if they were nice to me. If a “decent” man gave me attention and found ME interesting, then in order to keep this attention, my body said YES. Often unconscious of course, but energetically nonetheless. I went further and further away from that voice inside of me that said, NO, or STOP—the voice that knew and had forgotten that all she wanted was closeness, not sex, just closeness. Intimacy—into-me-you-see. You know…what all little girls want…to be SEEN and VALUED.

Growing up being told that what was going on around you was a secret and it really wasn’t happening, my barometer to the real world was broken. The tragedy was that I began not trusting myself, what I saw in relationships, my truth, my instincts—my lifeline to intuition was damaged. I was feeling extreme guilt yet satisfaction out of these traumatizing sexual encounters with my uncle. Attention, YES; shame, tenfold.
I blamed it on myself. If only I was uglier. I began to eat more, then less, focusing on my weight or looks as the outer reason for this chaos. I was chubby, malnourished, smoking cigarettes and ridden with anxiety. I had lost my ability to identify my emotions (to be seen by myself) and then take care of myself in a healthy way.
As a teenager I —began dating, drinking and sharing my body with many takers. It didn’t matter if I enjoyed it, wanted it or not. I never even knew that was a question to ask myself. Is this something I want to do? Do I enjoy this? That had never mattered before, why should it now? Please SEE ME….was my subconscious mantra. Even though I wasn’t really being seen at all, sharing my body felt like the closest I could get to meet this deep subconscious need for connection and intimacy. If only I had known I was allowed to be in charge of my own body. Unbelievably….I could set boundaries to stay committed to a man out of my loyalty to him, but I had no concept of loyalty to myself.

As the author Dr. Carolyn Myss states… we all have our prostitute archetype. We all prostitute ourselves for something. Attention from a man happened to be one of my prostitutions—I could lose myself entirely. I can remember one day in high school going to an older guy's house I was dating and he had sex with me. Afterwards, he brought his best friend in and asked if he could join in. I am saddened at the thought of such a lack of will on my part and what happened afterwards. Do we consider this type of damage to a young girl with my kind of history, rape? I didn’t say no, but I didn’t say yes either. I think I just lay there. Who is to blame? My uncle? Me? My family? No one? The young, horny boys? Whose fault is it when a woman is disconnected from her truth? This is a question we must all answer.

And if one man left, there was always another one right in line. I don’t think I knew I had a choice to say "No; I don’t want to date you." Instead energetically, I would say, "Oh, you want to date me? OK, I’ll make you happy." There may have been a fleeting thought of "Is this what I want?" But it was a flash that disappeared so quickly; I could never catch onto it… until later. These flashes were guiding me like the Star of David guided the wise men, but I didn’t know it. Pleasing a man for a false sense of security and my basic need for attention seemed like my job description.

So… back to women having two hearts. How does that factor in? If one heart, the vagina, is busy trying to meet survival needs, then what is happening to the other heart? And how does this affect the ability to be a loving partner once the next one shows up?

One day, I did realize I was in love. A boyfriend of mine in college cared deeply about me, as I did him, but I realize it wasn’t even the sex I enjoyed, but the closeness and attention. Great sex is great, no doubt, but women with their two hearts split in half have a hard time experiencing love and sex together. When they feel safe and connected enough to bring their wholeness into the bedroom, it is a miracle… a true blessing.

Energetically, what happens to a woman with two hearts when they are prostituting (selling their soul) in this fashion? Well, first of all, the concept of personal will and speaking one’s truth to her inner self as well as those she is involved with can be extremely difficult. She may be able to speak her truth, but not follow through with it. She may be spinning inside in a swirl of confusion that is very common for her. Without this inner connection, it is virtually impossible to 1) know her personal will (desires, passions and truths) and 2) put this will into action.

When looking at the chakras (our seven energetic points of power), the development of a sense of security within ourselves is top priority (1st chakra), then the ability to have boundaries in relationships( 2nd chakra) and the self esteem (3rd chakra) to do this is another challenge. Opening the heart (4th chakra) to love, connection and joy through a relationship with a safe person or our higher power is essential for healthy connection. And at the fifth chakra that is located at the throat center, one must learn to speak her inner truth. Following intuition (6th chakra) and feeling a connection to a higher power (7th chakra) are energetic signs of healing as well.

During sexual trauma, the heart is split off from its twin flame, the vagina, and instead of functioning as a team, congruently, they are often in opposition to each other, increasing this inner split. Without the masculine energy of personal will and this energy supporting the desires and passions of the heart (the feminine principle), one’s dreams are never reached. There must be a supportive element inside to focus the energy of the heart. And the heart is the main conduit of the Divine. So, where does this leave this woman on her spiritual path? If her heart and head are split, what does she do? If she can’t follow her heart, can she connect with the Divine?

Becoming congruent, when her personal will, her heart(s) and her energy are in alignment, can happen. Being able to recognize when she is not congruent and her heart and personal will are not on the same team is another good sign of healing! The emotional trauma of the past experiences can be transformed for this healing to occur. Treatment for post- traumatic stress disorder, anxiety disorders or depression may also be needed. Her sense of personal power must be found.

So…. The development of personal will and a sense of self as OK and as good to have is a sign of progress. It is OK, actually wise, to have desires, opinions and dreams. It is OK to disappoint another for your own happiness. These are mantras of healing for the sexually traumatized woman.

Self-esteem, a connection with a higher power and self-respect are shattered when there is a split of two hearts. Rape and domestic violence have similar consequences and require similar healing. The inability to support oneself by being unable to SEE one’s needs and desires and lacking the ability or self-esteem to follow through continues this split and can lead to other addictive behavior. Addiction to relationships, romantic love, drugs, alcohol, sex, shopping, overeating, or depravation can become a symptom of the underlying trauma. These create even more loneliness, isolation, anger/shame and abandonment of the self. Connection, joy and love are unconsciously being sought out through these activities only to end up with fewer of these qualities in one’s life and increased devastation. Many of these women end up attempting suicide, going to jail, treatment or dying. With healing, women can break this cycle.

So…. Is it possible to have two hearts functioning together in these women? YES!! And it’s the greatest gift anyone can give themselves or another. Living well IS the best revenge.

How does this split mess up the ability to be present in an intimate relationship? When one is split, they are not fully present. As Dr. Carolyn Myss states, the emotional body goes one way and the mind goes another. Mindfulness work is helpful in this area. What we cannot see and value in ourselves, we cannot see and value in another. Unconscious or conscious patterns can destroy us, and we end up harming others in the process. I remember one night in college after a lot of sabotaging behavior I realized something is not right here. Something has to change. I am twenty- one and I hate myself.

In my thirties, after years of therapy, spiritual practice and showing up more for myself, I can finally say, it has all been worth it. I still make mistakes, but I am aware enough now that as I am making them or even before I act, I sense if they are OK for me. I ask for assistance from my higher power, and it comes. My heart(s) tell me, and I’m a better listener. I speak my truth out loud to other human beings and I get help if I can’t honor my inner truth in a certain situation. It’s much easier now. I’d rather be home with my cat, with good friends, or meditating, then off splitting my energy over a relationship, situation or drama that doesn’t honor me. I literally am not a “good splitter” anymore. My body is back in touch with its natural rhythms that were there before age eight. The road may seem narrower, but it is really broader. I really like it because I’ve got ME and I’m the only Soul I can really save after all.

As healing occurs, my wish for those of us who have been sexually violated or traumatized is the gift of wholeness.

TRUTH is about honoring our two hearts as ONE.
Truth is about honoring our body AS our heart.
And maybe our innermost truth IS God?

Shannon South, MA, NCC, LPC, is a Holistic Therapist and Trainer. She has a private practice in Asheville and works at All Souls Counseling Center. Her first book is Falling Into Love: A Soul’s Journey to Wellness. She is finishing her doctorate in Energy Medicine training with Drs. Norman Shealy, the Founder of the American Holistic Medical Association and Dr. Carolyn Myss. She loves to hike, travel, meditate, and dance. She and her cat, Jupiter live an interesting, fun life here in the NC mountains where she was born.

Shannon is also interested in starting a group called Sisters Against Sexual Trauma. (men are welcome) If you are interested in contacting her call: 828-230-5477.