dispatches from the
not-so-common-cold
by katey schultz

It feels like my back muscles have been filleted for beef jerky.At times they ache so blaringly I can feel them being dehydrated. The pain is concentrated at my joints, the base of my spine, and my neck. My tonsils have doubled in size, as if they were trying to high-five each other from opposite sides of my throat. I do not cheer them on; instead, I try to ease the swelling with Traditional Medicinals Throat Coat tea. Cup after cup after cup, they do not respond. In frenzy, I reach for my expired Zinc-Echinacea cough drops. After twenty minutes of sucking, the tablet is dissolved and I decide it is time for an examination.

My face only centimeters from the bathroom mirror, I curse the white splotches on my tonsils that will not go away. Desperate, I knock around the house for some natural healing book (I am house sitting for friends one mile down the road from my cabin, hence the helpful access to an indoor bathroom with knobs and handles that make water move). I find the Family Guide to Homeopathy and the accompanying drawer of pills the size of mouse turds. The book is arranged in some odd fashion, which I cannot decipher. For example, polycythemia precedes Raynaud’s Disease (see also acrocyanosis) with nothing in between. What ever happened to good old-fashioned alphabetical order? I flip to another section of the book, randomly placing my finger on the first open page. This action reminds me of flipping through a phone book and, momentarily, I recall a brief prank phone call obsession I had with 4th grade friend Brittany Fulkerson. Looking for homeopathic treatment for my cold feels about as random as those phone calls.

“Excuse me, I’m looking for Cold Symptoms or Sore Throat?”

“Um, sorry lady, you’re looking at Wisdom Teeth Problems, page 183.”

“But, didn’t I flip to the S section?”

“Sorry, there is no S section.”

I give up and try directory assistance, the index, which refers me to page 347. There I learn that life is not as simple as just “the common cold.” There are at least twenty different types of colds, all of which are found in the chapter titled “Noses.” There are colds accompanied by chilly limbs or mucus like raw egg white. There are colds that involve burning, hot eyes and immeasurable cravings for water. There are colds whose chief symptom is “streaming eyes.” Another cold worsens when strangers walk in the room or when the sufferer makes the slightest movement. Still another cold is simply classified as: “person not at all thirsty but wants lots of attention and sympathy.” I feel worse by the time I have read through all the descriptions, and cannot remember which one sounds most like mine.

“Hello, operator?”

“Go ahead.”

“Um, I have a cold. I mean, a sore throat. I mean, it has something to do with my nose, I think.”

“Pardon?”

“You see, it’s like there’s a racquetball game going on between my ears. And my back hurts. And I crave ice cream.”

“Anything else?”

“And my tonsils are turning into Dalmatians. Like, reverse Dalmatians.”

“I see.”

I am referred to page 273, where I encounter Nasal Discharge, Cancer of the Breast, Bedwetting, Huntington’s Chorea, Birthmarks, and Congenital Disorders. By now my head is spinning faster than the pages, which probably explains the poor decision I make next: to practice guitar since I have to lead 40 people singing around a campfire for a special ceremony in just two days. About the time I get to “West Virginia, Mountain Mama, take me hooo-ooome....” I realize my mistake, leave the guitar on the table, and dive into bed.

In my book of homeopathy, “Bed” would have its own chapter. There would be at least twenty different kinds of beds, and lots of ways to fall asleep in them. Tonight, I choose the big bed, with the vaulted ceiling and pale green walls and purple comforter. I choose a chiropractic pillow that boosts my head to avoid post-nasal drip. I choose no alarm clocks at-all-what-so-ever. And I choose clap-on clap-off lights.
Clap.

Katey Schultz is a freelance writer and tutor living in Celo, North Carolina. Her current project highlights the salient aspects of adolescence, combining her memoirs with informal research conducted in local schools.
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