funny, isn't it?
by jeanne charters

It’s amazing, isn’t it, how sometimes life mimics art? Case in point:
I was babysitting in Raleigh a few weeks ago. Along with her three kids, my daughter, Julie, has a puppy named Maisie. Maisie is an adorable, high-strung yellow mutt who, at nine months, is just about the same size as my dog, Poncho. The difference between them, besides their neutered genders, is the exuberance of her age and the mellowness of Poncho’s 10 years.

Maisie was so happy to see Poncho I worried she might wrench her sacroiliac with back flips. When the gymnastics did not capture his attention sufficient to her wishes, she ran in constant and concentric circles round and round the room.

Poncho yawned his bad-breath doggie yawn and decided it was time for a nap. Undaunted by rejection or halitosis, Maisie lay down beside him and stared into his eyes. Poncho turned his head away from her and went to sleep.

That evening, I turned on the television and found the movie, “How to lose a guy in 10 days” with Kate Hudson. Kate was playing a column writer whose assignment was to seduce and then lose a man in the aforementioned 10 days. The man happened to be Matthew McConaughey…yes, the same one who was named 2005’s Sexiest Man of the Year by People Magazine. Matthew was an ad guy with a bet that he could make any girl fall in love with him.

Kate was beautiful and savvy enough to never do the things she did in this movie, but she modeled her best friend’s loser behavior with men to try to accomplish her goal.
She called Matthew every hour on the hour. She moved her pink stuffed animals into his bedroom. She invaded his poker night, bringing healthy treats and complaining about the cigar smoke.

As I watched Kate do all the wrong things with Matthew, I was watching Maisie do even more wrong things with Poncho.

Poncho was in his favorite position, lying at my feet looking adoringly at me. Maisie, sensing competition, brought him her favorite toy and laid it on his paws. He tossed it off. Next, Maisie brought him another toy, squeaking it seductively as she approached. He tossed that one off, too, with a slight snarl. After one more toy attempt, Poncho jumped to his feet and lunged at Maisie with bared teeth and a menacing growl. She immediately flipped onto her back, paws flailing up at him in submission. He looked down at her in consummate disgust, turned his back on her and plopped back down at my feet.

Did she learn? Did she quit? Of course not. By the time that night was over, Maisie had emptied her entire toy chest on Poncho and never got so much as a “thank you” tail wag out of him.

I decided to talk to Maisie.

“Maisie,” I said to her lovingly, scratching her under the chin and looking into brown eyes so sad they nearly broke my heart. “You have to play it a lot cooler with Poncho. You’re losing his respect. He’s going to think you’re ‘easy’ and that’s the kiss of death in human or canine romance. He’ll never love you if you keep chasing him all the time and make yourself more available to him than kibble.

Besides, Poncho has a girlfriend in Asheville named Rosie. Rosie treats him like dirt and he can’t keep his paws away from her. He thinks her backside is the neatest smelling thing since hydrants were invented. Maisie, I hate to tell you this, but you are out of your league competing with Rosie, so give it up.”

Did she listen? Does anyone ever listen to romantic advice? I think not, but I tried. We girls have to stick together, right? After all, Maisie is family and Rosie’s just a neighbor.
I gave up on being the canine “Dear Abby” and watched the end of the movie. Now here was a happy ending I could depend on. Kate really did fall in love with Matthew, and he with her and they both finally stopped playing games with each other and settled down somewhere on Staten Island, I think. Sigh! Furthermore, the yellow dress she was wearing at the end of that flick qualifies as the sexiest piece of satin I have ever laid eyes on.

Maybe I can make Maisie a yellow satin nightgown??? Anyone out there got any doggie patterns?

 

Jeanne Charters is a former V.P. of Marketing for Viacom Television. She started her own award-winning broadcast advertising agency in 1990. Jeanne lives in Fairview with her husband, Matt Restivo. [ charmkt@juno.com; 828-628-0023 ]