funny, isn't it?
by jeanne charters

So, here it is March, 2004. Matt and I have survived the millennium without much incident, survived a relocation from New York to North Carolina, survived the loss of our dear friend, Harry and survived, at least to this moment, the inauguration of George W. Bush. However, that last item of survival remains under scrutiny.
What gets us through these changes? I think I will call it love. What the devil is “love” anyway?

When I was a girl, I thought it was something that I would fall into and never fall out of. I knew that it would be “love at first sight”. My mother defined it as “you can’t keep your hands off him”. She also felt that love must involve tremendous jealousy and drama in order to be legitimate. That was her experience from living with my high-maintenance father. She said, “You must be CRAZY about him!!!” And crazy she was. And crazy was I for many, many years.

You see, we follow our scripts like obedient little children until all of a sudden, one day, we wake up and realize that the script written for us will inevitably and inexorably drive us to drugs or drink or an asylum if we continue to follow it.

So, we put the script in the drawer of the nightstand and pick up a self help book and begin to figure out how to love in a way that will not hurt us. For me, there was some counseling involved. Liz was my counselor and she was really a good one. One day, she said to me, “Jeanne, the kind of love you’ve been involved in is symbiotic love. What that means is that you’re one half a person and the men you choose are all one half persons as well. You both believe that if you join together, you will make a whole. Love will never work that way. It takes two wholes, complete and total within themselves, to make a relationship work in the long term.”

Holy smokes! I was 40 years old, and that had never occurred to me.

I was also the mother of 4 daughters. “Oh, my God,” I worried. “What if my convoluted sense of the male-female equation has infected them in exactly the same way my mother’s beliefs had affected me?” Somehow, God must have intervened on that one. My daughters weren’t, and aren’t, like I used to be. Don’t know why…perhaps they come from a more highly evolved generation or maybe we all just lucked out. They were smart about selecting partners…well, at least 2 of them were. And the two who chose poorly figured it out quickly and dumped the losers.

The most perfect love is the one a mother feels for her children. Men may come and men may go, but your children stay in your heart and soul forever. This is the one love that just does not diminish. When a mate acts weak or stupid or has one too many cocktails one night, a person might feel like leaving, at least for the moment. No matter what your child does, you don’t want to leave them…ever. Well, that’s not literally true, I guess. I remember times when all 4 of them were under 6 years old when I wanted to leave, big time. But once they grow up to be the beautiful, intelligent people they do eventually become, nothing on earth or in heaven can lessen the affection, the joy and the pure love a mother feels for her children. Once a year, my daughters travel from California, Maine, New York and Raleigh for a “just girls’” visit. When, after 4 or 5 days, I have to take them back to the airport, my heart sinks at the distance that will again separate us. I never leave that airport without tears in my eyes. Yes, a mother’s love is the purest kind, I think.

But there is one other love I wish to tell you about. While few would call this kind of love illicit, it is so incredibly satisfying that it almost feels wicked.

All my life, I waited for a male to worship me unconditionally. No matter what I did, how I smelled, how my belly stuck out or how badly my roots needed color, I wanted him to keep on looking at me with loving eyes. I wanted somebody who would be thrilled to see me and would feel just as sad at my taking leave of him as I always feel about my daughters’ departures. I wanted him to kiss me and want to be near me always.

Although I feel well loved in my marriage to Matt, I have never felt that he would sustain his ardor if I neglected to brush, shave or shower for a week at a time. Call me silly, but I just don’t think so.

So, I found Poncho. He is beautiful and young and fit. His physique thrills me as he climbs these Western Carolina mountains effortlessly, his golden hair rippling in the breeze. Poncho and I do absolutely everything together and we never tire of each other’s company. Sometimes, I feel that I am being unfaithful to my marriage vows as I lie on the floor and let him wrap his arms and legs around me, but I can’t help myself. I melt as his limpid brown eyes devour me with total and unflagging devotion. Yes, this is what love should feel like.

Sometimes, I think Matt resents my love affair with Poncho. But he recognizes that it’s bigger than both of us and that no one can separate the two of us in this lifetime.
If you want this kind of love affair in your life, I can tell you where to find it. It’s really very easy. Simply visit your local Humane Society and look in the cages until you find the eyes meant for you alone. Funny, isn’t it…somehow, I know you’ll know your true love when you see him. Love at first sight does exist, you see.

Jeanne Charters is a former V.P. of Marketing for Viacom Television. She started her own award-winning broadcast advertising agency in 1990. Jeanne lives in Fairview with her husband, Matt Restivo. [ charmkt@juno.com;828-628-0023 ]